glumshoe
body oil slip-n-slide race
which corny 80’s movie action hero would win
THE CONTESTANTS: the following unnecessarily slippery muscle men have been selected based on the on-screen shirtless scenes in which they appear bizarrely oily. They have to bring their own oil to this terrible race. Flash Gordon was disqualified on account of not being even a little bit oily, to my surprise, and Kevin Costner in Waterworld didn’t seem oily either, despite playing a fishman. Arnold Schwarzenegger has to compete against himself.
Conan the Barbarian:
John Matrix from Commando:
The twins from The Barbarians:
He-Man:
Rambo:
The Beastmaster, whose matte companion really emphasizes his high gloss:
Yesterday was Sting’s birthday apparently so I’m including him even though he’s not a hero OR a beefcake, but he sure is oily:
Who would you put your money on? I’m still going with the brothers from The Barbarians ‘cause their oiliness was so consistent throughout the shitty film.
mutagensoup
He-Man would have more mass to back him up but Sting is more aerodynamic.
Would that aid him in sliding further? He would have less wind resistance, but I think his mass would be insufficient to keep his momentum up. Then again, his lightweight build might make him a faster runner, so if he could get enough initial velocity it might end up working out the same. If they’re competing in-character he would definitely cheat anyway, but Rambo is very slippery and also has a gun (unless he’s too slippery to hold it...)
If we changed the slip-n-slide to a curling competition, I think he would have better odds just because he’d be easier to push.
