Aries: Live in the level of filth that is comfortable to you. Just make sure you are practicing self-love.

Taurus: Every time you get an intrusive thought, scream the words “I’m sexy and my meat is huge” as loud as possible to drown it out.

Gemini: You are holding enough tension for two people in just your shoulders. The stars and I would be impressed if you weren’t in so much pain.

Cancer: Its your lucky day cancer, you’ve got the rare opportunity for some sleuthing. Nobody sleuths nowadays. Appreciate it while it lasts.

Leo: Your worries about money are not misplaced. One man’s paranoia is another mans safe investment practices. 

Virgo: Confused? Do not worry. Everything not saved will be lost. 

Libra: There is something in the wires practicing its voices by leaving spam calls in your inbox.

Scorpio: Today is not a day for intellectual pursuits. Today is the day to wrap yourself around a tree branch and slowly be overcome with moss and bats.

Ophiuchus: Damn near everything can be taken to an extreme. Nothing says freshness like permanent chemical burns.

Sagittarius: Whoops! Something stole your friends face again! Get that ritual dagger and get to work.

Capricorn: Unfortunately, after you reach your goal you are expected to have a new one. Sucks, I know. 

Aquarius: You may be stunned to find that the introduction of a new person into your life will make you less lonely. 

Pisces: Romantic bloodsport for two.