Normal Horoscope:
normal-horoscopes
Aries: Live in the level of filth that is comfortable to you. Just make sure you are practicing self-love.
Taurus: Every time you get an intrusive thought, scream the words “I’m sexy and my meat is huge” as loud as possible to drown it out.
Gemini: You are holding enough tension for two people in just your shoulders. The stars and I would be impressed if you weren’t in so much pain.
Cancer: Its your lucky day cancer, you’ve got the rare opportunity for some sleuthing. Nobody sleuths nowadays. Appreciate it while it lasts.
Leo: Your worries about money are not misplaced. One man’s paranoia is another mans safe investment practices.
Virgo: Confused? Do not worry. Everything not saved will be lost.
Libra: There is something in the wires practicing its voices by leaving spam calls in your inbox.
Scorpio: Today is not a day for intellectual pursuits. Today is the day to wrap yourself around a tree branch and slowly be overcome with moss and bats.
Ophiuchus: Damn near everything can be taken to an extreme. Nothing says freshness like permanent chemical burns.
Sagittarius: Whoops! Something stole your friends face again! Get that ritual dagger and get to work.
Capricorn: Unfortunately, after you reach your goal you are expected to have a new one. Sucks, I know.
Aquarius: You may be stunned to find that the introduction of a new person into your life will make you less lonely.
Pisces: Romantic bloodsport for two.
