nedlittle
nedlittle
the gang gets lost in ikea: a very silly terror au
how and why does everyone get locked in an ikea overnight? who cares. the logistics don't matter but the events are as follows
- The mutineers are a splinter group who try to break into the cafe because they're hungry and want to live
- Silna's a beleaguered Ikea employee who has to stay after closing to clean up bc someone (everyone thinks its a bear) (it's actually a mean bird) keeps getting in and she wants Proof
- Instead of cannibalism they're just eating raw meatballs and so many people get salmonella/food poisoning
- Collins has a blahaj shark who he manages to drop down the stairs/lose and can't get back and feels guilty the rest of the time
- He gets Billy Orren the shark back when they're rescued/the store opens to find a herd of men going feral in the kitchen section. Everything's fine
- Crozier manages to send exactly one (1) cryptic text to JCR in the middle of the night before his battery dies
- There are, unfortunately, multiple Ikeas in the area and JCR goes to every single one but the one where there are 130 men stranded on the showroom floor
- People keep getting tired and napping wherever. That's the body count
- Little ends up absolutely lost in the sauce covered in fairy lights like an hour before the store is supposed to open. Man's done. It's too much.
- Goodsir, looking at the lighting section: this place is beautiful to me, even now.....
- Poor Heather gets a concussion after being dive bombed by bird-Tuunbaq and Tozer is in charge of taking care of him but is then lured in the promise of food and forgets where he left Heather
- Irving finds a charger and an outlet and Hickey hamstrings him and steals the charger for his own use
- Hodge still compares Ikea meatballs to transubstantiation
- Everyone's uneasy because John Hartnell worked at that Ikea until a few months ago when he fell down the stairs and shattered both his ankles
- Blanky still does the forks thing to distract bird tuunbaq
- Fairholme leaves an hour in to try and find rescue and never comes back
- things that stay exactly the same: Hickey's backstory (he wants to destroy an Ikea to get back at
theadmiraltycapitalism), Fitzjames' backstory so he can still give his cairn walk speech, 90% of Blanky's lines (boat axe story included) - Sir John promised Jane & Sophia that he, along with Crozier & Fitzjames, would be coming to a fancy dinner and when nobody shows up they're like hello??
- Francis, MacDonald & Blanky are the ones communicating with Silna bc they're Ikea veterans and know what the Swedish names are referring to
- Everyone else is like how are you doing that with your mouth
- Irving catches Hickey & Gibson boning in one of the display rooms during which they manage to break some merchandise (a lamp?) and the rest of the time they're paranoid he's going to tell on them for damaging store property
- Goodsir gets kidnapped a) because Gibson fucked up a joint and needs help b) he worked in food service and therefore knows how to cook the meatballs to avoid salmonella
- He escapes by insisting he gets a short rest then makes a break for it when nobody is looking. He left a shark plushie in his place
- Crozier has the worst hangover of his life while this is happening
