I em Slavic, and this is 90% true 

however, you got one thing wrong 

Only snobs, hipsters, and fratboys drink foreign brands 

Nonono this is a good cola. It’s the party cola. This is the cola you drink and enjoy. Coca cola is the cola you have stored in your home for months in case someone gets sick, that’s its only use.
The scientific explanation (the scientist is my mother) is that american Coca Cola has more evil chemicals, therefore it vibe checks the evil out of your stomach.

i didn’t have coca cola while growing up (bc they didn’t sell it in the far east of russia) so when i first tasted it i said to mom that it’s just like kvass but funny and so SO sweet. (kvass is a bread juice btw)