He won’t bite beast or man/ Cos he’s a vegetarian
rhavewellyarnbag
Fresh from the triumph of blending of The Terror and Frankenstein*, I am now contemplating writing a The Terror/Nosferatu-Dracula pastiche**. Several scenarios.
Francis is the vampire. The Church of England does, literally, give him hives. Aside from being an evil creature of the night, he just doesn’t want to leave his cabin because he’s unsociable, but Jopson attends to his every need. Jopson is in every way the perfect steward, except that he’s occasionally observed to eat a spider, and slips “The blood is the life” into casual conversation.
Edward is the vampire. He lacks the assertiveness to bite anyone, and begins wasting away until Jopson figures it out, and the exsanguinated corpses of various interchangeable sailors begin popping up. Luckily, there’s a monstrous polar bear to take the blame.
Hickey is the vampire. This surprises no one.
Mr. Morfin is the vampire. He’s cranky because he’s had a headache since 1549.
Mr. Armitage is the vampire. Hickey figures it out, and tries to blackmail him. It doesn’t end well for Hickey.
Dr. Stanley is the vampire. He convinces Goodsir to bring him men whose blood he might drink. Goodsir tells himself that it’s in order to observe a creature unknown to science, but still feels bad about it. Stanley constantly bitches about being fed the sailors afflicted with scurvy, and scolds Goodsir that sentimentality doesn’t become a doctor. Goodsir threatens to drive a stake into him. But that’s just flirtation.
Dr. MacDonald is the vampire. No one minds.
Mr. Des Voeux is the vampire. He’s pale, and he’s good at math.
Hodgson is the vampire. It bums him out, because his aunties stopped talking to him.
Lady Jane is the vampire. Good for her.
Sir John is the vampire. A week after being relieved of a leg and unceremoniously thrown down a hole, he reappears on Erebus, and totally freaks everyone out.
Jacko is the vampire. Aw.
Mr. Goodsir is the vampire. I drop everything to drive to the Arctic and immediately propose marriage to him.
James is the vampire. He’s striking, has an aristocratic bearing,
seemingly has no past. Nigh invulnerable.
Always keeps his neck covered. Has mysterious wounds. He’s frequently
out in the sun, though, so he’s probably just an emotional vampire.
Clings to Francis, because Francis is full of emotions. Francis didn’t
want any of his emotions, so he’s not bothered. He and James come to an
understanding. Mr. Honey builds them a coffin for two.
* It’s a pre-postmodern postmodern homosexual Prometheus. A Pre-Pomo Pomo Homo Promo. Thank you, and good night.
** October, 2020, I wished ardently for a remake of Nosferatu with Tobias Menzies in the title role. Apparently, there’s a short film featuring Mark Strong dressed up as Nosferatu, smoking, crying and dancing around. Now, I have never found Mark Strong attractive a day in my life. Until I saw him dressed up as Nosferatu.
