xiaq
[out of context] Things I said today as a high school teacher:
"Why is there a naked anime girl on my desk?"
"Please get down from there, if you die in my classroom I'll probably have to do a lot of paperwork."
"I'm sorry to hear about your small penis, but that doesn't affect your ability to finish your essay, right?"
"You can only have a granola bar if you promise not to skip sixth period. Do you promise? Pinky promise?"
"I'm very happy with your grade too, but shouting that you're better than everyone else is not very kind so you need to stop. Yes, even if it's true."
"Why is there another naked anime girl on my desk? Where are these stickers coming from? No, I don't feel lucky because I got them for free. Who's selling them?"
"You're not even a freshman, what are you doing in my class? No, you cannot 'reclaim your youth' today, go to your class."
"No, even if you show me pictures of your dog I will not give you a second granola bar."
"Yes, I can pick up your Grubhub order at the front office but only if you tell no one else and it remains a secret until your death. Do you solemnly swear? Excellent."
"Yes, I will microwave your lunch in the teacher's work room but only if you tell no one else and it remains a secret until your death. Do you solemnly swear? Excellent."
"Yes, I did know some pirates were gay. But would you like to tell me more about it? Wonderful. We've got 10 minutes until lunch ends, tell me everything you know."
"No, you cannot spend sixth period doing English Class Round 2. You shouldn't deny your other teachers the joy of your company."
"You can gently caress each other's faces when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
"You can keep slapping each other when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
"You can go back to comparing your anime girl stickers when you're done with your worksheets but for now you need to stop."
[to two nonbinary students] "Gentlethem, please put your phones in the sin bin. Yes, I am very witty. Yes, you may steal 'gentlethem.' Yes, you still have to put up your phones."
"Does [Other Teacher] know you're in here? No, I won't write you a pass. No, you can't have a granola bar to bribe [Other Teacher]. Go to class."
"Yes, thank you. I know my eyes are very unique and beautiful but you still have to put your phone in the Sin Bin until you're done with your work. Compliments won't help you, here."
