friends, friendsers, countryfriends, I am here to talk to you today about ross and rachel.

now before you ask me if this is 2005, I’m not here to tell you how great they are or how my feelings for that ship have reawoken, no. i am here to tell you something that may surprise you to hear. it may even shock you. (or, you may be like ‘no shit, i realized this in 2005’ in which case that’s pretty cool. i’m down with that.)

anyway. drumroll, please.

ross geller is an asshole.

and not like the oh isn’t it cute kind of asshole, or the well he’s just rough around the edges kind of asshole, or the damaged childhood and figuring it out slowly kind of asshole, no. he’s a full fledged jackass asshole. a jackasshole, if you will. 

ross geller constantly corrects everyone around him, he’s petty and mean and always has to win, he puts down his friends and makes them feel shitty for not making as much money as him, for not being as smart or as educated as he is; he’s insensitive and hypocritical sometimes just downright cruel. and worst of all, after being all of those things, he constantly plays the victim card. he’s unwilling to accept blame for anything he’s done and he excuses all of his worst actions, never once admitting that he could have been in the wrong.

ross spent monica’s whole childhood demeaning her for her weight and making her look bad in front of their parents and constantly bragging and gloating to make himself look better and any time she came close to winning or being equal to him, he would think of some excuse for why it was invalid. as soon as he starts dating rachel he spends all his time in hers and monica’s apartment and takes great pleasure in causing monica near-constant annoyance and pain.

which brings me to ross and rachel and ross/rachel. even before they started dating, he had plenty of opportunities but he never even bothered to ask her out, and then when she finally worked up the courage to say something, he had the audacity to make a list that reinforced all of her worst qualities, that pointed out her physical and emotional flaws, and worst of all, after she made the hardest, most painful decision of her short life and gave up everything she had to make it on her own in the city, he couldn’t be bothered to respect that bravery, calling her as ‘just a waitress.’

when she (miraculously) forgave him, he spent their entire relationship being controlling and jealous. he mocked the things she loved, the things she cared about, and humiliated her publicly by yelling at her in front of people. when rachel got a job that she loved, the first time in her life she was actually working hard and accomplishing something for herself without anyone’s help, he went off on her for not spending enough time being his girlfriend, like she did when she was ‘just’ a waitress. he poisoned their relationship and resented their success, and when she finally got fed up with him constantly belittling her and attempting to sabotage her at work and asked for time to think, he didn’t even bother to wait 4 hours before sleeping with someone else, all the while rachel spent the night realizing that she really did love him.

so the next morning when she tells him, ross does everything in his power to hide his mistake from rachel, rather than coming clean. when she does find out and is once again hurt and humiliated, you’d think ross might be humbled, that he might apologize, but no, he spends the next 7 years yelling at rachel that she should have forgiven him, because (say it with me now folks)

"we were on a break"

so you know what ross geller? fuck you and the dinosaur you rode in on.