Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.

A quote that won the Internet for me today. Especially considering its addendum: “But when analyzing a situation, never completely discount malice.”
(via dduane)

My eyes adjusted to the light. I wished they hadn’t. Lap dancing establishments don’t bring out the finest qualities in the male of the species. Lust looks great on a woman, but men just can’t wear it. Their eyes bulge. Their palms sweat. They salivate. their tongues dangle out. They look like village idiots catching flies. They look like someone’s stuck a straw in their ear and started sucking out their brains. Tell me now: do women find that dribbling gawping look attractive, or do they just put up with it?

Harry Salt, Incompetence

‘I open the door if you give me your boot’s’

I admit, at first it baffled me. He open door if I give him my boot’s what?

But when I grappled with his concepts further, I began to see the light. In a startling leap of creative imagination, he was toying with the whole notion of the apostrophe, in a kind of post-postmodern return to the jejune, using it not as an indicator of the possessive case, but rather as a redundant method of flagging the plural.

He coveted my boots.

Harry Salt, Incompetence

No two ways about it, I was going to have to try the desperate option of a hopeless man. I was going to have to read the manual.

Naturally, the manual turned out to have been translated from Japanese into English by a Kalahari bushman whose closest contact with either language had been a chance encounter with a German explorer trying to ascertain the going barter rate for a second-hand camel in terms of petroleum and shiny beads.

Rob Grant, Incompetence