I don’t know what happens from here

I’m being evicted. Tonight. Midnight.

It’s why I’ve been distant, and quiet. Every time, when I need help the most, I pull away from people. I can’t stop myself. I always do. As if drawing attention to my weakness will only inspire derision and pain. I’ve escaped my family, but their lessons follow me no matter where I go or how long ago.

My every attempt to better myself, to pull myself out of the cesspool I was born in has failed. Will I ever finish school, or have a home not always in danger of being ripped out up from under? Will I ever be safe, warm, and loved? If the past can be used as a predictor for future success, then the answer is what I’ve always suspected, what my mother has told me time and time again: no.

My medication is not working as well as I hoped. I found myself not caring about eating, or drinking. I rarely bathe. My room is a trashed mess. My therapist hasn’t answered my texts. I can’t make myself leave my bedroom to go to work, or school. So, naturally, I have no way to pay the rent. 

I curled up, and stop fighting, like always do. Every time life gets a little hard, I drop to the floor in the fetal position, and try to wait it out. I know it’s a defense mechanism from my childhood abuse, but I hate it. I hate myself for it. I always will. I can’t fight to defend myself, because I feel like if I do, I will only be hurt that much more for it than if I just let it happen. I hate myself for it. I hate it.

I’m suppose to be out by midnight. How, I don’t know. I have nowhere to go, no money to do it. I have six hours left. I’m going to be homeless again, and there is nothing I can do. It’s December, and it’s freezing and wet outside. 

I feel like dying. I want to fall asleep and die, and never face this again. But I can’t. I’m too cowardly, too weak. There are parts of my mind that insists I should find some way around this. There isn’t, but there it is. I wish I could.

I’m going to be a statistic again. Yet another queer women of color being thrown out in the streets again. I don’t think I can survive this. But I don’t know what to do anymore.

Update: December 1, 2015

My roommate went with me to the leasing office today. My therapist came to help me talk with the building managers. We explained to them what has been going on; how my medication is not working, and so I haven’t been able to function in a long while. My anxiety and PTSD were out of control. I was fortunate they were sympathetic to hearing me out, even when I was crying so hard I had trouble breathing. 

They’re stopping the eviction for now. So I won’t have to worry about being thrown out into the winter night. This is a deep relief to me, because I can tell you right now from experience, it is a terrifying and distressing thing I hope never to go through again.

However, the fact still stands that I owe them the rent for October, November, and now December. My rent is $575 a month, so that’s $1725 I have to come up with. I’m meeting with the leasing office again tomorrow with my therapist to discuss what my options are. After that, to my work’s office to get more hours once they know what is going on. They seem willing to work with me, so I’m hoping that I can find a way to stay indoors and try to get my life back together.

I am learning to ask for help. One of the things I have learned is that asking for help seems to be a trigger for me. I have to unlearn that asking for help only ends in pain. It’s not what my life is anymore.

So, I’m asking for help. Donations, reblogs, kind words. All of this is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading this, reblogging, for asking me how I am. My paypal is dayala0514 at gmail dot com. 

Again, thank you.

Update: 2:17 pm December 1, 2015:

I met with the leasing office today, accompanied by my therapist. The managers are going to get the eviction removed! They are going to attach a letter from my therapist explaining what happened and why, and the court should process the paperwork soon. I almost started crying with relief. We’re going to work out a payment plan that will go into effect January 1, 2016. I’m so fortunate the managers were willing to work with me. I just need to to be able to make payments. Unfortunately, as I’m a temp worker for a company that receives most of it’s contracts from the university in town, that means there won’t be very much need for dish washing or kitchen prep since we are coming up to the holidays. There won’t be more work until mid-January. And of course, I won’t receive financial aid either until classes start.

This means I will definitely need all the help I can get. Thank you so much for reading my post, reblogging it, and lending your sympathies. As I have said in the previous post, I owe $1725 to my leasing company, since my monthly rent is $575. I’m hoping to start making payments on time, to show them I mean to honor the contract I signed and that I do want to make things right. 

Again, thank you all so much. I don’t feel alone anymore in this. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. It’s wonderful to know that that I can ask for help.