this image has been trapped in a dark part of my brain for years

this au got me laying awake at 3am thinking abt steven surviving a job interview

bonus:

@sabertoothwalrus PLEASE don’t hide this in the tags

i see y’all with your “steven goes to work at the mystery shack” headcanons and i’ve just gotta say… he would absolutely be the sketchiest person in gravity falls

the 2nd gravity falls summer (bc you know there would be more than one) the mystery is ‘what the fuck is wrong with this traumatized pink teenager’ instead of ‘who is the author of the journals’ 

with such great hits as 

• mabel (upon seeing steven’s gem): you’re PERMANENTLY BEDAZZLED?????
• dipper: ugh gideon’s the worst
• steven: oh yeah I hate it when your friends try to kill you, but you just gotta wait it out and be patient with them and they’ll come around to you eventually
• dipper: what. the fuck.
• the kids repainting the sign when mabel drops her paintbrush to the ground by accident, cue steven being like ‘np i’ll get it’ and walking straight off the edge of the roof 
  
• mabel: i hate that picture of me, 4th grade’s the worst
• steven: haha yeah…grades…those exist… i definitely didn’t look exactly the same from ages 8 to 14 for complicated shapeshifting reasons
• “our grunkle stan is kind of a sketchy guy” “oh no way most of my family are war criminals”
  
• steven: *breaks a cup* aw shit *licks it and it seals back together* 
• dipper: *furiously taking notes*
• theres no possible way that steven “haven’t you noticed I’m a star” universe doesn’t come over to mabel’s slumber parties w/ candy and grenda and casually mention his girlfriend who a. is literally a knight in shining armor, b. has taken down multiple genocidal dictators thousands of times her size, not to mention c. mastering the art of swordfighting when she was twelve and d. saving his life and the lives of all the beach city residents on a regular basis
• dipper: *trying to reach something on a high shelf*
• steven: oh here you go *shapeshifts his arm to grab it and bring it down*
• dipper: ??????thanks??
• playing w/ waddles and nonchalantly saying something about missing his own large, pink pet, a magical lion that can teleport and that he has ridden into battle multiple times
• (at suzy’s diner) steven: don’t worry, i’ll get the bill 
• various pines: thanks man
• steven: it’s cool, my dad’s a millionaire
• dipper:

it’s honestly the funniest fucking thing to imagine steven outright not even PRETENDING to hide any of the unusual parts of himself, but dipper still acting as if it’s all some giant conspiracy he’s going to crack by the end of summer.

mabel: “dipper, stop being such a dummy-dumb, he literally TOLD us that he’s half gem on his mother’s side!”

dipper, chewing furiously on his pen: “yeah, but what does that MEAN???”

@novantinuum​ @thepringlesofblood​ u are visionaries