Aries: “You can turn that shitty knife into a titty knife.”

Taurus: “Fuck you and your formal attire.”

Gemini: “Most owls can turn their heads 270 degrees in both directions. This owl can fuck itself in all directions.”

Cancer: “Oh, okay. Guess I’ll just go fuck myself then.”

Leo: “Good evening. Tonight’s special is the shit blizzard.”

Virgo: “Ah, just a little bit of ghost semen. A very common ingredient found in most beverages, so, might as well stick with the traditional.”

Libra: “You will all feast on the fuck.”

Scorpio: “His legs are trembling, his knees are weak, his mom’s heavy, put your vagina in spaghetti.”

Sagittarius: I”m ready to begin my journey with a full fledged erection and a heart of ambition.”

Capricorn: “This bastard just got re atomized.”

Aquarius: “Serenade my candy ass, come on!”

Pisces: “I would rather solve a rubiks cube using only my bare nipples than try to make that fucking jump.”

Tyrant (Aires):
-You are greed in human form. You want the world and you will take it. The inability to feel contentment keeps you motivated. You can find happiness through the suffering of others. People are merely tools for you to use, abuse and discard. You are the Tyrant. What else is there to say..?

Fallen Deamon (Taurus):
-You are the Fallen Demon. Your past is a ghost that follows you everywhere. You have made mistakes and you live with the repercussions. People have wronged you and you will never forget. Others may see you as a broken man and they may be right. They may look down on you because you were defeated but you’ve been to hell and you will never go back. You will redeem yourself no matter what it takes.

Basilisk (Gemini):
-The Basilisk commands fear. Your stare is deadly but your bite is deadlier. You are built to harm and you know how to torment others. In the right situation, you can be very dangerous. All you need is provocation. Those who know your true nature regard you with equal fear and respect. Those who do not will find out in the worst of ways.

Serpent (Cancer):
-The serpent is the symbol of wisdom and deceit. You are both cunning and clever. People may regard you as low, wretched and maybe even repulsive but you know how to use these to your advantage. Trust is a weakness that you can exploit outstandingly. Your virtues are insidious and your ways are elegant.

War Maiden (Leo):
-The War Maiden is a paradox. You appreciate beauty and anticipate decay.  This conflicting nature of yours may be regarded as puzzling and ultimately disturbing by others, thus very few can see the beauty of your ways. Seeing through comforting lies enables you to embrace the hardships of reality. You stand in the thin line between the evil and the benign.

Maelstrom (Virgo):
-You are the Maelstrom. Like the wrath of god, you are most dangerous to the ones that you love the most. You may project a caring and compassionate image but you have the tendency to be possessive. What’s yours is yours alone; better destroyed by your hands than taken by others. You dwell on jealousy and you savor the fury that comes with it.

Ravenous (Libra):
-You are the Ravenous. Sanity is hanging by a thread. You’re inner demons are hidden away and they are aching to break free. This life of order and conformity to petty norms disgusts you. You long for that sweet day when you’ll be free to cause damage, pain and suffering to that special list of people that you have at the back of your head. The wait is killing you but still you wait.

Poisoned-Dart (Scorpio):
-The Poisoned Dart is patient, precise and deadly. You have all the time in the world but all you need is that one perfect moment. It is your nature to see the worst side of every situation. You may not know it but you look for the weakness in everyone. You despise blind fury. You are not impressed by brute strength. It’s all about control, the wait and the thrill of the hunt.

Tempest (Sagittarius):
-You are the tempest. Free and carefree. Nothing is more important than your desires. You’re pursuit of pleasure and contentment may bring suffering to others but that is not your problem is it? Those who stand in your way better hold their ground, for you will not hesitate to destroy them. Make no mistake, you are not hateful. You just don’t care at all.

Leviathan (Capricorn):
-You are the leviathan. A monstrosity in a dark abyss. The great potential that you possess is locked away for good reason but the mere thought of it is enough to strike terror, even to yourself. You fear your own demons because you know very well what they are capable of. But you are neither weak nor a coward. You’re struggle to gain control is a victory in itself.

Beast (Aquarius):
-Dwell in the dark long enough and you shall become darkness itself. The beast knows and accepts the evils inside him. You can point this evil in any direction yet you would rather point it inwards than set it loose on the people you care about. You are the master of your demons. You consume fury, pain and despair like a bitter drug.

Sword (Pisces):
-The sword is a symbol of glory. Admired by the weak and coveted by the daring. Yet you remain true to your real purpose. You are designed to hurt after all. The cut is merely the beginning, followed by the rot of the injury then a shameful scar. You are a painful reminder to those who have failed to wield you. The sight of you is enough to torment. And they can’t help but to look can they?

ARIES: You approach the psychic world like you approach everything else – head on! You’re forthright in your beliefs (or your skepticism) but being too sure of yourself can hinder your psychic development in some ways, as can your arrogance.

Your Psychic Talent: Precognition – how very Aries it is to get information before anyone else!

TAURUS: You take a step by step approach to psychic development and you’re cautious about protecting yourself from psychic attack. Very grounded, your kindness is an asset in psychic work and your determination to learn puts you ahead of your peers.

Your Psychic Talent: Psychometry – having a physical object to hold helps you enormously in picking up psychic impressions.

GEMINI: You love to communicate and can’t stop yourself from giving people messages and psychic advice. The constant chatter of your mind can be a hindrance to psychic development though, and it’s important that you learn some stillness and calm.

Your Psychic Talent: Mediumship – doing what you do best – talking – but to spirit instead of to living people!

CANCER: You’re highly sensitive but slightly wary of the psychic world, and your fears can put up barriers to psychic communication. Your compassion is a great help, however, and you are shrewd enough to understand when you’re being taken for a ride.

Your Psychic Talent: Tarot – you have an intuitive understanding of imagery and symbolism.

LEO: You love the sense of importance that being psychic gives you, and you milk the “look at me” factor for all it’s worth. Your genuine desire to help others is very spiritual, however, and if you can put your ego aside you can be a great channel.

Your Psychic Talent: Clairvoyance (seeing spirit) – you especially love being able to see grand figures from times past.

VIRGO: You have the technical ability to make a great psychic, but you’re held back by a lack of confidence and a dislike of the vagueness of it all. Methodical and disciplined, you would shine in a psychic art which takes many years to master thoroughly.

Your Psychic Talent: Astrology – where you can seamlessly synthesize hundreds of details into a helpful, coherent whole.

LIBRA: You find it difficult to trust the psychic impressions you receive, for fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting someone. Nonetheless, much of what you think is imagination is actually spirit input – stop trying to over-rationalize it and just feel.

Your Psychic Talent: Tai Chi or any other kind of moving meditation – a graceful and fluid way to connect with spiritual energies.

SCORPIO: A natural psychic and mystic, you have strong potential and an affinity with spiritualism, the occult and all things mysterious and unknown. You love to research the history of these topics, and can become quite the aficionado of the psychic world.

Your Psychic Talent: Telepathy – want to know what other people are thinking or to manipulate their thoughts? You can!

SAGITTARIUS: You’re not sure whether you believe in psychic abilities or not, but you do accept that there’s more to the world than we can know. Sudden or dramatic incidents in your life up your psychic senses and you’ll find yourself much more open at times of crisis.

Your Psychic Talent: Astral travel – go wherever you’d like from the comfort of your chair or bed!

CAPRICORN: You take the psychic world very seriously and get irritated with those who think it’s  a game or an entertainment. A traditionalist at heart, you’re interested in the old ways of the psychic arts, and suspicious of the new-agey take on psychic abilities.

Your Psychic Talent: Runes – you’re fascinated by these ancient tools and have a unique insight into their use.

AQUARIUS: You know there’s something out there – you’re just not sure what. You look for a rational, scientific answer to psychic phenomena, but you’re excited when you can’t find one. Ahead of your time in many ways, you could tune in to alien races or beings.

Your Psychic Talent: Channeling – wise words from other races or entities just surge through your stream of consciousness.

PISCES: As a true empath, you’re very open to psychic vibrations and you’re among the most sensitive of all signs. You must learn to keep your emotions at arm’s length, however, otherwise they will interfere with the psychic impressions you are able to pick up.

Your Psychic Talent: Clairsentience (feeling spirit) – sensing pains, emotions and states of mind comes naturally to you.

More Zodiac Here