I’m rereading IT because I liked the new movie and haven’t read the book since I was in middle school, and I forgot that Stephen King is… like this. Hey, SK??? HEY, DAWG??? I don’t need to know that Stanley’s wife is sexually attracted to the Family Feud host because of his cool watch. Her husband’s up there killing himself and you’re like, “Awwwwwwwwww, she horny for that watch tho.” I don’t want to hear “terribly sexy” in reference to a watch unless I’m reading bad Back to the Future fan fiction. You know that joke about how what if people described dicks in novels the way they describe breasts? My man’s got you. He’s an equal opportunity dickscriber. He’s fluent in dick braille, in fact. He can read your weenie wrinkles like a boardwalk psychic if your pants are tight enough, I guess.