Ranking Magical Mentors

(a completely incomplete and objectively biased analysis, don’t @ me)

Originally posted by notias1

Shazam (Shazam!) Score: -~.5/10

Shazam gets -1 point for every year he spent looking for a hero who will receive phenomenal cosmic powers while not having “fully matured brain” as one of the hard requirements of the job. The exact number of years isn’t specified; he said he’d been looking for “centuries” but is in fact from Ancient Egypt or before then, so being bad at math subtracts another .5 from his score.

Originally posted by magicfolk

Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter Series) Score: 0/10

Written by a transphobe, fell in love with a nazi, gave a kid to abusive relatives, categorizes some children as evil and then punishes them for it. No points to Dumbledore.

Originally posted by pixeltheenby

The Ancient One (Doctor Strange) Score: 1/10

Whitewashing and Orientalism disguised as feminist, post-racial open-mindedness. You can’t just throw a bald Tilda Swinton at the problem and expect it to do the work for you.

Originally posted by oldhollywoodfilms

Glinda the Good Witch (The Wizard of Oz) Score: 2/10

Glinda purposely manipulates an ignorant farm girl and sends her on a path to kill the Wicked Witch of the West even though Dorothy had the tools to get home the entire time. So -5 for being a terrible mentor but +5 for being a girlboss. Depending on what source material you consider canon she is possibly working out some blended family trauma, possibly a figment of Dorothy’s psyche? She ends up at a 2/10 for being incredibly patronizing and giving off church lady energy by not only unironically deigning herself “Good” but also making that a huge part of her identity.

Originally posted by bonniebird

Brom (Eragon) Score: 3/10

This was definitely a guy who existed and was in a movie I’ve seen. Not actually magic?

Originally posted by pendragonsandbuckleys

Gaius (Merlin) Score: 5/10

The magical mentor of the original magical mentor himself. Set up to be wise but in hindsight gave Merlin a lot of very bad advice, chiefly in not advising him to tell Arthur the truth a long, long time ago. Best “sweet old man” vibes on this list though.

Originally posted by hacys

Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander (Legend of the Seeker) Score: 7/10

Zed is a wise old wizard who actually survived his protege’s call to action, but he was also constantly being written out of fights to counterbalance that. Negative points for reducing the found family aspect of being a magical mentor by, y'know, actually being related to his charge. Gains points again for constantly hyping every new type of magic as “P O W E R F U L  M A G I C” and because Bruce Spence’s scenery chewing and Sam Raimi’s sense of humor are a match made in cheesy TV heaven. When magic turned him young again he looked a bit like James Spader, but I’m not sure how to score that.

Dishonorable Mention: Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander (Sword of Truth Series) Score: -10/10

I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard this book series described as “Ayn Rand high fantasy”. The true Randian ideal is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and having a magical mentor at all sounds too much like filthy communism to me. Why can you teach yourself magic, Richard?

Originally posted by theruleoftwo

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars) Score: 9/10

He may be from sci-fi but he’s a classic magical mentor. He loses some of the mystique he presented in the original trilogy by having his entire background gone over with a fine tooth comb in prequels, expanded universe novels and television. Dramatic b*tch and a bit of a troll, especially as a ghost. Dinging him one point for lack of prerequisite wisdom with regard to some of his life choices.

Originally posted by cerronehoudini

Moiraine Damodred (Wheel of Time) Score: 10/10

A perfect score for absolute perfection. She’s not dead (yet? no book spoilers!) so that puts her ahead of a lot of people on this list, she is also the only magical mentor with enough foresight to invest in a bodyguard. Great judge of character and knowledgeable about a lot of things while still being much younger than your average magic mentor, which highlights her hustle and work ethic. Moiraine takes on multiple possible Chosen Ones at once, proving herself the modern solution to magical mentorship (as well as a perfect representation of the overloaded modern worker being forced to do multiple jobs at once).

Originally posted by kwistowee

Gandalf (The Lord of the Rings Series) Score: 100/10

Gandalf is wise, powerful, frustratingly vague, disappears at inopportune times so the hero has to solve his own problems… This guy has it all going for him, including some of the best lines in the series. Died at the appropriate moment to drive the hero’s journey and then walked it off. Somehow manages to seem cool and virtuous even though he’s a senior citizen who hangs around small “innocents” while smoking copious amounts of weed and setting off fireworks. Looked better in gray, but what can you do. A true icon.

Granny Weatherwax (The Discworld Series) Score: ↑/~

Granny doesn’t hold with all of this numbers and ranks business. She can’t be having that kind of thing. However if you must know, she is definitely up there near the top. Has been the magical mentor of at least four young witches and hasn’t been murdered yet. Excellent references.

Cowboys are witches and horses are their familiars

guns are their wands and they only know one spell (bullet)

Rootin’, tootin’, toil n’ shootin’

Fire burn and cowboy bootin’

Eye of newt and spicy beans,

Toe of frog and denim jeans,

Whiskey, grits, n’ demon spittle

tossed into my iron griddle

With the tannin’ of our hides,

Somethin’ wicked this way rides

Not that anyone asked for this but

"Witches riding non-broom cleaning implements" gag always funny, congratulations to everyone who has ever made some variant of this joke, please keep making it

thinking abt a witch perched on a roomba, spinning through the air...