It just occurred to me that nobody actually watches Picard anymore, so I can just say whatever I want and you’ll never know what’s true and what isn’t. Here’s what happened episode 1:

• As predicted, Beverly Crusher is played by Brent Spiner
• She has a son with Picard
• The son is also played by Brent Spiner
• Riker is cheating on Deanna with Picard
• Geordi’s daughter is a pilot (unclear if she’s blind too)
• Lore has taken up hunting as a hobby
• Seven of nine joined starfleet and immediately committed mutiny
• Elnor helped
• They made no mention of the giant plot twist from last season
• Everyone hates the enterprise-d
• Data came back and did karaoke
• He sang Killer Queen
• Yes, he did wear the moustache

Wait like 3 of these things actually happened

And with your help we can make the rest of it happen.