tells nothing, feels everything: Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces
tells everything, feels nothing: Gemini, Sagittarius
tells nothing, feels nothing: Capricorn, Aquarius
tells everything, feels everything: Taurus, Leo, Aries, Libra
tells nothing, feels everything: Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces tells everything, feels nothing: Gemini, Sagittarius tells nothing, feels nothing: Capricorn, Aquarius tells everything, feels everything: Taurus, Leo, Aries, Libra
Horrorscopes for May 2016! in color! You can now buy prints here too if that’s yer thing 🙀
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shitty horoscopes book xii: obituaries
amrit brar / musterni | 2016
the series concludes in book xiii: in no one’s favour, exclusive to the anthology. thank you all for sticking with this series until now.
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aries: procrastinating
taurus: procrastinating
gemini: procrastinating
leo: procrastinating
virgo: procrastinating
libra: procrastinating
scorpio: procrastinating evilly
sagittarius: procrastinating
capricorn: procrastinating
aquarius: procrastinating
pisces: being a fish and also procrastinating
aries: procrastinating taurus: procrastinating gemini: procrastinating leo: procrastinating virgo: procrastinating libra: procrastinating scorpio: procrastinating evilly sagittarius: procrastinating capricorn: procrastinating aquarius: procrastinating pisces: being a fish and also procrastinating
sweaty palms: taurus, pisces, capricorn
tight grip: gemini, aquarius, scorpio
rubs the inside of your palm with their finger: aries, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, sagittarius
sweaty palms: taurus, pisces, capricorn tight grip: gemini, aquarius, scorpio rubs the inside of your palm with their finger: aries, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, sagittarius
aquarius: the time he stood on a window ledge reciting poetry and almost jumped out
pisces: his foot fetish
aries: the time he threatened to jump out a window to prove his love for james joyce
taurus: finding out where hemingway moved to and showing up at his doorstep in the middle of the night drunk
gemini: the egg yolks he'd put in his friends' hats as a prank
cancer: leaving bowls of money out at parties for people to take
leo: the time his school paper publicly wrote about him, "will someone poison scotty or find some means to shut his mouth?"
virgo: only getting into college because he wrote the admission board that it was his birthday and they felt sorry for him
libra: eating ice cream for breakfast and fudge for dinner
scorpio: bringing a suitcase filled solely with coca cola bottles to work when he was trying to quit drinking
sagittarius: the time in the army he was caught naked with a girl by one of his superiors and tried to bribe him with a one dollar bill folded to look like a hundred
capricorn: when he dropped out of college he tried saying it was because of his tuberculosis but really he was failing every single class
aquarius: the time he stood on a window ledge reciting poetry and almost jumped out pisces: his foot fetish aries: the time he threatened to jump out a window to prove his love for james joyce taurus: finding out where hemingway moved to and showing up at his doorstep in the middle of the night drunk gemini: the egg yolks he'd put in his friends' hats as a prank cancer: leaving bowls of money out at parties for people to take leo: the time his school paper publicly wrote about him, "will someone poison scotty or find some means to shut his mouth?" virgo: only getting into college because he wrote the admission board that it was his birthday and they felt sorry for him libra: eating ice cream for breakfast and fudge for dinner scorpio: bringing a suitcase filled solely with coca cola bottles to work when he was trying to quit drinking sagittarius: the time in the army he was caught naked with a girl by one of his superiors and tried to bribe him with a one dollar bill folded to look like a hundred capricorn: when he dropped out of college he tried saying it was because of his tuberculosis but really he was failing every single class
SELF REJECTION: Aries, Taurus
NEGATIVE SELF TALK: Virgo, Sagittarius
CRITICIZING OTHERS: Capricorn
BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER: Libra
FEAR OF FAILURE: Leo
PROCRASTINATION: Scorpio, Aquarius
HOLDING ON TO A GRUDGE: Gemini, Pisces
EXPECTING PERFECTION: Cancer
SELF REJECTION: Aries, Taurus NEGATIVE SELF TALK: Virgo, Sagittarius CRITICIZING OTHERS: Capricorn BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER: Libra FEAR OF FAILURE: Leo PROCRASTINATION: Scorpio, Aquarius HOLDING ON TO A GRUDGE: Gemini, Pisces EXPECTING PERFECTION: Cancer
“You can’t hold a grudge forever.”
“…I know”: gemini, cancer, virgo, libra, sagittarius, pisces
“Watch me”: aries, taurus, leo, scorpio, capricorn, aquarius
ARIES:
Relationship Status: Single, but has a huge crush on their trainer.
Survival Probability: 9/10, if they could just figure out how to use their weapons right.
TAURUS:
Relationship Status: Widowed, their revolutionary lover was attacked but they somehow escaped.
Survival Probability: 10/10, but they feel empty inside without someone to share everything with, and a person with nothing to love has nothing to lose.
GEMINI:
Relationship Status: In Love, (with their lover who’s on the good side) but is constantly swallowing their feelings deep down inside to maintain their badass composure.
Survival Probability: 5/10, as they keep switching what side they’re on, they weigh out on their survival vs. the masses.
CANCER:
Relationship Status: Mutual Crushing, with their lifelong best friend, lowkey still waiting for the right time and place to confess their feelings (even though it’s the fucking apocalypse).
Survival Probability: Eh, they’re kind of in denial about the whole thing, and their s/o has to keep reminding them not to do stupid stuff.
LEO:
Relationship Status: Your Relationship Goals, currently kicking ass with their partner in crime, have a ship name coined by their revolutionary followers, but both would secretly sacrifice one another to become a martyr.
Survival Probability: 9.9/10, because they’re feeling a little bit insecure today.
VIRGO:
Relationship Status: ???????????
Survival Probability: It Was Nice Knowing You, they’re too selfless and keep trying to track down everyone they know, if they would just prioritize themselves they’d make it out on top.
LIBRA:
Relationship Status: #Doesn’tHaveTimeForThat Crap3k00
Survival Probability: 50/50, They’re an icon to the people, the voice of reason, and therefore has tons of allies, but they’re newfound enemy of the power-hungry majority and therefore has a shit ton of enemies. (she’s your great great great granddaughter, who’s doing fine, arguably)
SCORPIO:
Relationship Status: It’s Complicated, isn’t that enough?
Survival Probability: ?????, they’re the leader of a new black ops organization, fueled by greed and selfishness and secrets, but will they take out the bad guys or the good ones?
SAGITTARIUS:
Relationship Status: Single and Mingling, trying to have the most fun they can because let’s face it, they’re not gonna last too long.
Survival Probability: Who Cares, they make the most of their time anyways.
CAPRICORN:
Relationship Status: Star Crossed Lovers, for the media.
Survival Probability: 7/10, was raised in privilege but had strain away after developing their own sense of self, has a lot of people mad at them for not sticking with tradition.
AQUARIUS:
Relationship Status: Waiting For A Miracle, isn’t really into commitment.
Survival Probability: In For The Long Run, is really focusing on bettering themselves, but is kinda pushing people away at the same time.
PISCES:
Relationship Status: Flinging it Up, using their attractiveness to use others for top-secret information, kinda doesn’t feel guilty about it #sorrynotsorry.
Survival Probability: 10/10, has their shit together, is a super cool spy and is hanging with hot lovers all the time.
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